Turning Things Around | Personal
"There comes a time in a short life, turn it around, get a rewrite. Call it a dark night of the soul."
-First. Cold War Kids.
I had a heartbreaking and anguishing situation happen to me. Something that I’m not ready to go into details over, but something that I do choose to be open with my feelings about.
I crumbled and stumbled down after "said something" happened. My heart+hopes+soul were emptied of their contents like and old purse, strewn all over the place. I felt like little greiving spec of dust floating in the air, not knowing where I was going to land, or if I was going to keep floating or settle. As much as I hated feeling that, I'm so grateful for going through those feelings of greif because they forced me to change my outlook on how I handled things. I found that even though it's such a traumatizing thing, how I choose to deal with the pain associated with it is what matters in the end
I found myself calling upon my close friends and family for guidance, all of them providing different insight, but most importantly all of them providing me with love and support. I sought help in all of the ways that I could, and invested in self-care. I booked trips out of town to escape but found myself coming back to the same sentiments when I was back home. However, yoga had always been a form of release and escape that I turned to for years. Going through this journey of darkness and pain, I craved to be on the mat more often. But, admittedly I was scared of going to yoga class, because I was sure that being there would magnetize my feelings about what was happening in my life and I could begin to cry in the middle of the practice. Being someone that isn't used to crying in front of others, this wasn't an option for me. So, I was doing a lot of self-practice at home. Trying out new poses, pushing myself out of my regular comfort zone. Finding my own flow. It was so reflective of what was happening in my life.
For a long time, I neglected and overlooked taking care of myself. All of a sudden, I was the priority in my own life. Other people were also taking care of me, something totally out of my comfort zone since I was always the caretaker. I’ve always been afraid of relying on other people for emotional support, but in this situation I didn’t have a choice. I either had to trust people and let them in to help me, or I could crumble on my own. I was forced to push myself to try new things, go out and meet new people. Basically, I had to find my own flow in life, just like I was doing in my practice. I realized that all of those years of putting off taking care of my soul, had finally caught up, and I didn’t know exactly how to take care of my heart. It was then that I decided to finally do something that I had been wanting to do for years, a big item to cross off my bucket list: becoming a certified yoga teacher. Discovering how to help my mind, heart, and body connect.
I don't want the pain that I'm going through and have gone through to be in vain; I want to turn my pain into a beautiful thing, not only for myself, but for others. I hope that through my journey, that I can help someone else through whatever it is that they're going through. Going through yoga teacher training can hopefully give me the tools to put more good out into the world.
Most importantly(and if this is the only part you read, that’s cool and that’s why I’m making this shit bold):
Stop being so hard on yourself. Take a moment to sit back and marvel at your life. I found that even through all the grief, suffering, and heartache that you go through, that you pick up little pieces of wisdom and strength along the way. Despite the struggle, you’re growing into a stronger, happier person. Be proud of this.
That’s why I choose to embrace the feelings tied to my story. I’ve chosen to allow myself to grow into a better person from this situation. I’ve chosen to let my story pull me back for a little bit, but only so that it can catapult me into being an improved version of the former me. I'm turning my story around and rewriting it.